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[	Tags	\|	quotes	]
[	mood	\|	restless	]

"If we fail to nourish our souls, they wither, and without soul, life ceases to have meaning.... The creative process shrivels in the absence of continual dialogue with the soul. And creativity is what makes life worth living." -- Marion Woodman

"I learned... that inspiration does not come like a bolt, nor is it kinetic, energetic, striving, but it comes to us slowly and quietly and all the time, though we must regularly and every day give it a little chance to start flowing, prime it with a little solitude and idleness." -- Brenda Ueland

I woke up today and felt trapped. It was a day like any other where I'd get up and do the same thing I seem to do just about every day. I'd wear the usual outfit. I'd grab the bag with my uniform. I'd walk down the same streets and be in the subway with faces I've come to know well.

I don't do well in a routine life featuring a distinct vacuum of creativity. I can't take the monotony any more.

I renewed my domain name last night. It felt like an exercise in futility. I haven't done much with my website in the last couple of years. It was an experimental work in progress. Now, it's a digital question mark on the internet posing a half formed question I haven't taken the time to complete.

Adding to it all is the fact that I lost a very important creative gig because it appeared to a producer I was more committed to the day gig than my career. That was a wake up call I could not afford. It has me in quite a mental state.

I don't think I can wait seven days to execute the latest revolution. I need change now. I need creativity now. I need more. While survival was a blessing a year ago, it's no longer enough.

Living Dangerously

[Dec. 26th, 2009|01:42 pm]

[

mood

rejuvenated

]

"Each today, well-lived, makes yesterday a dream of happiness and each tomorrow a vision of hope. Look, therefore, to this one day, for it and it alone is life."
-- Sanskrit poem

The final days of the year are about to play out. They'll be like most of this year. I'll work, run around Los Angeles until I feel I can't take another step and have very little free time. After having 48 hours to rest, I'm prepared for that. It's only another week.

And then things change.

2010 will be the year of living dangerously.

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A Little Xmas

[Dec. 25th, 2009|05:25 pm]

[

mood

happy

]

I have to admit it's really strange to not wake up and open piles of gifts. I didn't realize how much that has been part of this holiday for most of my life. That and food. Very high end meals with coveted bottles of wine.

Our morning was relatively quiet. We unwrapped a few small tokens and ate an elegant continental breakfast I didn't have to put much labor into creating. It was so lovely. I can't quite recall the last time I had a day without any sort of tight schedule or urgent task to complete. Plus, I miss

__wolverine__. I see so little of him.

We've done very little since and have remained in our PJ's. It's absolute heaven. When you don't have the time to simply be still, being given the opportunity is so thrilling that it comes with a literal high.

Tonight I'm making filet mignon with traditional items that

__wolverine__ associates with a good time in his childhood. We had talked about going out to the movies but neither of us wants to put on clothes or leave the confines of our home. But that's what Red Box and PPV are for, right?

I hope everyone out there is finding the same kind of contentment and peace right now.

Merry Xmas!

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Xmas Eve Musings

[Dec. 24th, 2009|03:26 pm]

[	Tags	\|	quotes	]
[	mood	\|	thankful	]

"Your life has to do with the agenda that has been set for you by you, by that part of you that we've come to call, in our language, your soul."
-- Neale Donald Walsch

"Our prayers are answered not when we are given what we ask, but when we are challenged to be what we can be." -- Morris Adler

By some miracle... I have today off. I slept in. On this Xmas Eve I have to fit a month's worth of preparation into six hours. Oddly, I am very calm about that. I have done more in these past two weeks than most people have done all year. It gives me a unique perspective on the value of time and what is possible.

We have opted to make Xmas very economic and low key. The society of ourselves is all we crave this season. Stuff isn't enough nor particularly enticing in the face of that. I'd rather celebrate the man who has had my back for six years without fail than get a pair of Louboutins. (Yes, I really mean that.) So, here at Chez Schulz-Lane a great deal of nesting will occur on the morrow. It'll be serene, simple and wonderful.

We're saving all our pent up need for excessive glamour for an incredible NYE. We will be starting the new calendar year projecting the life we want. The intention to do more than simply survive is roaring in our blood. It starts the very second 2010 saunters its sassy self onto the globe.

Winter Solstice

[Dec. 21st, 2009|01:49 pm]

[	Tags	\|	quotes, spirituality	]
[	mood	\|	exanimate	]

"The period of greatest gain in knowledge and experience is the most difficult period in one's life." -- Dalai Lama

"Out of clutter, find Simplicity. From discord, find Harmony. In the middle of difficulty lies opportunity." -- Albert Einstein

It is the shortest day and longest night. I still feel absolutely no holiday joy or sense that it is the season of celebration. It's not out of any sort of depression or lack of desire to be merry. December has sucked the life out of me. I have been busier than I have been in a good ten years. I am a human being in dire need of sitting down for about a week and not moving. Burnt out doesn't begin to cover the frayed state of my every nerve ending.

Last night's festivities at the Trader Vic's company party were fun but I was supremely wiped out. This morning I am debating the wisdom of having gone at all. I did come away with a gift card for The Edison that I won in a raffle. I also discovered that someone I've been interacting with is a writer with similar tastes to mine. Plus, I have a great deal of affection for the people who own the place. They have been a remarkable bright spot during 2009 and have treated me with absolute humanity.

On this Winter Solstice, I'm praying for a little light. From out of this darkness, let some bright phoenix burst forth and dawn on a 2010 that will be a highlight of my brief hours upon this planet.

Brightest blessings to all of you.

8 comments|post comment

Silver Lining

[Dec. 20th, 2009|03:11 pm]

[	Tags	\|	quotes	]
[	mood	\|	sore	]

"In school you get the lesson and then take the test ... In life you take the test and then get the lesson." -- Unknown Source

"When it is dark enough, you can see the stars." -- Charles Beard

I had intended to get up today and go do some holiday shopping before the Trader Vic's company Xmas party this evening. But my body rebelled and completely refused to move for a seventh day in a row. Everyone has a limit. I have reached mine.

I'd like to say the worst of it is over. It's not. Not until January.

But there is a sort of twisted up side. I am now 120 lbs. I'm starting to look decent on camera again.

At least when I come out the other side of this crucible, I will have something that matters to me to show for it.

The Night Of Camp Freddy

[Dec. 20th, 2009|12:16 pm]

[	Tags	\|	photo entry	]
[	mood	\|	relaxed	]

Camp Freddy 2009 Roxy Residency

6 comments|post comment

[Dec. 19th, 2009|12:45 pm]

[

mood

okay

]

After a brutal week of work, culminating in a particularly insane day, I raced home to meet up with

__wolverine__ so we could make it out to The Roxy for the final night of Camp Freddy's 2009 Residency.

After a rough year of working harder and harder with very little sleep or much of anything to show for it all besides bills paid..... a tribal, sweaty night of rock in a sunset strip club smashed full of people was exactly what I needed to constructively blow off the Vesuvius building inside of me. It didn't solve problems. It didn't change my reality. But it made the world right for about an hour and a half.

Special guests at this particular show included (but were not limited to) Steve Stevens, Travis Barker (Blink-182), Corey Taylor (Slipknot), Queen V, Franky Perez, Mark McGrath, Jerry Cantrell (Alice In Chains), and culminated in a mind blowing performance by Chester Bennington (Linkin Park) who has an incredible voice.

It was absolutely necessary to go out and be completely enveloped by a wall of sound.

I'd like to say we were both able to wake up this morning and feel good about returning to work. But that would be a lie. Instead, I'll say we woke up able to face another day of soul-crushing drudgery without the overwhelming feeling of wanting to stab people.

Sort of...

Interlude

[Dec. 18th, 2009|09:36 am]

[	Tags	\|	indie film, quotes	]
[	mood	\|	busy	]

"When you arrive at your future, will you blame your past?" -- Robert Half

I managed to squeeze in a quick screening of Monika's Day yesterday morning. It's a solid little indie film. Once the editing is done, and all the details are added, it'll be a fun ride. My scene was edited down to be a very quick little moment. I think it's funny after all these years to still be surprised when an hour of work ends up being mere seconds long. And, ironically, I thought I should have made a bigger mess of my look for the sake of the character. What I did was too subtle and didn't really get picked up by the camera. I'm also shockingly ok with the fact that I was a good 8 lbs heavier than I am at the moment. It worked.

And thus ends my few minutes of free time. It's back to the insanity....

Master Rough Cut

[Dec. 17th, 2009|01:04 am]

[	Tags	\|	indie film	]
[	mood	\|	nervous	]

I have in my hot little hands the master rough cut of Monika's Day.

I get to watch it.

I am terrified.

And thrilled.

But mostly terrified.

Playing a Hollywood party girl and single mother the morning after a crazy rave was extremely scary for me. It was also the most fun I've had acting in years. Being given free reign to ad lib at will is not something I get to do much in movies.

I think I'll sleep on it and watch in the morning.

Living Like A Shooting Star

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[Dec. 16th, 2009|11:14 am]

[	Tags	\|	quotes	]
[	mood	\|	predatory	]

"The struggle of the mind to keep itself free from every sort of bondage -- to remain curious, open, unsatiated in all its relations with nature -- is tenfold more difficult than the cultivation of a stable, satisfying point of view, but a thousandfold more precious." -- Gardner Murphy

In my tantrum over my insane work week, I misrepresented the Lady Gaga concert. It's not this week. It's next week. So, there is a very vague chance I'll be able to go, though I doubt the circumstances that led to this overworking of my person will be resolved any time soon. It's been a year long issue.

We made the most hesitant of plans for NYE. They are exquisitely decadent. I'm afraid to get excited about the evening. I have the sinking feeling I'll be working. I have every intention of finding some middle ground. I desperately need some high end glamour in my life so I can continue to be the magic for other people out for a night on the town.

At the same time that I'm angry about having no personal time nor the ability to pursue my creative desires, I feel guilty for being so petulant. Los Angeles is still one of the areas of the country experiencing the highest unemployment rates and has the largest homeless population in the entire US. All the local charities are saying that this is the worst holiday they've ever witnessed with regards to the requests for help. Need is up 50% from last year. So, shouldn't I feel more grateful than I do that I not only have employment but too much of it?

The fact is... I know myself. I know how I tick and what path leads to my happiness. The quality of my life cannot be increased with money alone. Money, to me, is a tool. It's not a destination or even a goal beyond its use to get me where I really want to be. And breaking my back to make other people wealthy? Well, that makes me all kinds of furious. I am not a cog in someone else's dream machine.

2010 will be about balancing all this out. It starts in January. I cannot continue to exist like this. I won't spend the last year of what is technically referred to as my youth being a human sacrifice to the status quo. It'll be the year of living like a shooting star and taking chances like it was the last year of my life.